On reflection, It would have been all too easy to give up after just 2 days, which is what I was considering at the time. I was fearful, I kept questioning whether, I was doing the right thing, was this a field I could succeed in and whether I really wanted to do a further year of studying? I had only just completed 3 years of a BSc in Counselling skills and Psychology. Was I doing it for the right reasons?
The emotions I was feeling at the time were negative emotions and I couldn't put my finger on why? Was I fearing failure or was it success? Doubting my own ability was an avenue I was taking and one, that so easily could have resulted in me giving up even before I had started.
As a child or possibly even as an adult, if we receive criticism over praise we tend to develop feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. These fears, translate into fears of rejection, failure, self-doubt and self-worth through low self-esteem. These are known as sub-conscious fears, which, I had accepted into my subconscious mind.
So, having had a word with myself, I guess, the super ego did its job and the jury concluded that it was the right thing to do, persevere, overcome the demons of self-doubt and not to fear failure. Steve Jobs (RIP) sums this up when he said "People who are afraid to fail usually do not achieve much in life". You can view his thoughts on failure in the YouTube clip
Which brings me to this reflective piece. Having overcome the fear by booing it away. I am now almost into my third month as a student teacher / lecturer.
I have, in the past fortnight, carried out approximately sixteen hours of lectures, workshops and experiential exercises. In this time, I feel I have not slept a great amount, not realising the work that has to go into preparing and delivering lectures, coupled with two assignments, jammed in between, and fulfilling a healthy (well maybe not so healthy) lifestyle also! I vaguely remember having a life!
Planning and preparing is essential to any profession, if you aim to succeed. So, I guess failure is an option, but lets not go there!
So, my first session involved lecturing a year two counselling studies group, followed by an experiential exercise. Overall the two hour session went well and feedback was good. The group were engaging, especially with the experiential session. "The Imagined House". This element involved students delving into their imagination, the unconscious mind and discussing how they felt, what they had perceived and what they had seen, in the imagined house.
On reflection, I believe the session could have gone better. I tend to talk too quickly, which I recognise and I am trying to do something about. This is important, as I have recognised is an area for improving both students and my teaching experience. I also need to command the floor better, when posing questions and picking students to answer. My back is turned and therefore unable to observe student dynamics. A solution would be to walk along the sideways, this would still allow for student engagement whilst also observing.
Reflective writing is an important factor as it allows you to identify and improve on your teaching in a class. By reflecting, you are not only identifying your own ares of improvement, you also become aware of how students learn. Whether auditory, kinesthetic or visually and once these are recognised you can plan to suit your audience.
Self-reflection, is vital, having recently observed my own performance of a micro-teaching session, I did for my peers, which formed part of my assessment. I was amazed at how often I used my hands in speech. How I moved around the room and also my use of the whiteboard. Which is a particular area I need to focus upon. Without this recording I would not have identified or recognised my mannerisms. That is not to say they are in anyway wrong. However, it allows me to look inwardly, develop my skills to ensure my teaching abilities develop accordingly. Being self-critical is important and also the feedback received from peers and mentors is essential.
No one likes criticism. However, it is essential to how you progress. Learning from these and putting them into practice is the difficult bit. We often do not see the bad things we do, and if we do or if these are pointed out, we can take it personally. Therefore, what is important is taking it, adapting and recognising we are not perfect. But making little changes can and will help the process of becoming just a little better.
It is safe to say, that after 11 weeks, I am not so afraid or petrified, just a little wiser and I am progressing.
To the fear I once had I say this "I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose Fire away, fire away Ricochet, you take your aim Fire away, fire away. You shoot me down but I wont fall I am Titanium!"
